Building Bridges of Connection with Constructive Conversations 💬

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Building Bridges of Connection with Constructive Conversations 💬

Few of us enjoy difficult conversations. During these divisive and tumultuous times, engaging in conversations that promote mutual understanding seem like a road less traveled.  It can be hard to communicate productively with others, especially those whose views are significantly different than our own. Whatever the topic, whatever our views or theirs, there’s typically nothing easy about these discussions. And too often the participants walk away feeling unheard, along with some mixture of feeling frustration, anger, sadness, resentment, grief, defensiveness, loss, overwhelm, or other uncomfortable emotions. 

In this brief article, you will not find all the answers. Like many of us, I sometimes struggle to engage in meaningful interactions that build bridges of connection, especially during difficult conversations. Thus, I find myself thinking about this topic quite a bit and want to share a few key ideas:

Key #1. Being respectfully curious.

In an interview on American Psychological Association podcasts, Michael Yeomans shares, “one of the most powerful ways to encourage receptiveness in others is to be receptive yourself” (2024). He notes that it’s natural for others to notice a speaker’s tone and reflect it back in their own responses. During conversations, it can help to pay attention to your own tone of voice and body language.

Asking mostly open-ended questions can be helpful. Then carefully listening to the other person’s response and showing that you’re trying to understand. The process has been termed “looping for understanding” (Duhigg, 2024). You might paraphrase what you think you heard them say in your own words. Then asking “Did I get that right?”  If not, ask them to explain (Duhigg, 2024).

Examples of questions: “What’s really important to you about this?” “Why do you believe what you believe about this?”  “What have been some of your influences?”

Key #2. Being present as a learner, not an expert.

A big key to effective communication is listening attentively. Notice that I mentioned listening, not speaking. That is, listening with the intention to try to understand, not simply with the intent to speak.  Intentional, mindful listening is critical to effective communication. In other words, listening with the aim of understanding may be more important to create constructive dialogue than what you say!

 

Key #3: Being mindfully present.

It can help to be aware of how we are showing up for a discussion. Mindful presence — to be right here, right now  — can help us slow down, focus on this moment, and observe our experience (whatever it is) with greater calm, and compassionate, wise attention (King, 2018).

Mindfulness can help us create spaciousness within ourselves. According to mindfulness teacher, Sharon Salzburg:

“The quality of kindness gives us the ability to take abstract ideals like compassion or ‘love thy neighbor’ and make them authentic and palpable and vibrant each and every day
” (Salzberg, 2010, p.5)

A good way to begin is becoming aware of a calming anchor point. For many, the anchor might be simply noticing that we are breathing. For others, an anchor might be, for example, to notice their feet on the ground or their hands touching their heart space or belly. If breath is your anchor, then you might quietly become aware of accepting the feeling of your own breath, just as it is, as you inhale and exhale (Hanson, 2023). You might notice your inhale and exhale and invite yourself to accept them as they are. For example, I accept that I am inhaling and the gliding in of my breath. I accept that I am exhaling and the gliding out of my breath.

What if you find yourself struggling while you engage in a difficult conversation? The first step may be to pause and simply notice your experience. Perhaps a sensation of heat is rising in your mind and body. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed, emotionally reactive, or your heart is beating more quickly. As you notice a discomfort, this can be an opportunity to choose to mindfully pause. You might find it helpful to simply focus on your calming anchor, the breath, for a few cycles or another calming anchor you’ve chosen. Or if needed, you may prefer to respectfully step away from the situation for a few moments or take as much time as you need. 

Key #4. Accepting that people are who they are.
This kind of acceptance, accepting people as they are, does not mean agreeing with them or their viewpoints. It doesn’t mean liking them or agreeing with their actions. It doesn’t mean agreeing with their impact on you or what matters to you. Rather, acceptance may be more about accepting that people are who they are – “the reality of them” (Hanson, 2023). And then from this perspective, we can aspire to create space for listening, respectful conversation, and an openness to try to understand each other’s viewpoint even when we disagree.

Take a moment to consider how you feel when someone you are sharing with tries to accept and understand you, rather than to change you. Rather than finding fault or trying to “make” others different, like we wish they would be, some experts say that trying to understand where they are, can be more effective. This can be quite difficult, but it may help us move toward building greater understanding.

David Wolpe (2023) suggests that in conversations about divisive issues, it’s not about winning, rather it’s a process more like “wearing away at a stone.” Wolpe offers that we need to give people space to find their way.  That we might leave them with a thought they can carry with them and possibly discover something different.

In conclusion, there are many ways to shift toward constructive conversations.  It may not be easy, but it is possible and so critical to building relationships. Do any of these communication keys resonate with you?  If so, is there one or more you’d like to experiment with in your own laboratory of life?

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or healthcare professional.

© 2026 Ilene Berns-Zare, LLC, All Rights Reserved

An earlier version of this material was published at
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/flourish-and-thrive/202510/4-keys-to-constructive-conversations-on-difficult-topics

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