Choosing Kindness & Self-Compassion as We Build Connections and Communities 🩵

Choosing Kindness & Self-Compassion as We Build Connections and Communities 🩵

“Transformation is possible for all of us, and it requires kindness….”

– Shauna Shapiro, PhD, 2017

Let’s talk about kindness and self-compassion. You may think you know everything you want or need to know about self-compassion, but after reading this article you may want to rethink your understanding.

You might be surprised to learn that over 4,000 journal articles have been published on self-compassion in the last 20 years. This groundbreaking work has been spearheaded by psychologist, Kristin Neff, PhD, (2023).

Let’s begin with dispelling misunderstandings — what self-compassion is NOT. If you think self-compassion is weak, self-indulgent, or lacks interest in others, an abundance of evidence says these myths are simply untrue!  Conversely, research shows that people who are compassionate toward themselves tend to be more supportive, kind, and giving toward others (Shapiro, 2022).

What is self-compassion?  Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as “being supportive to oneself when experiencing suffering or pain … be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges” (2023, p.1).

Self-compassion is not simply about ourselves. We all suffer in our lives – suffering is part of the human condition. And although self-compassion begins with kindness for ourselves, honoring our own humanity, imperfections, and showing genuine concern for our own distress, a growing body of research links self-compassion with interpersonal wellbeing and connections with others. For example, self-compassion has been linked to increased willingness to help others, improved perspective-taking, empathy, and social connection (Lathren et al., 2020; Neff, 2022).

In my own experience, the concept of self-compassion comes up frequently in leadership and life coaching and in personal discussions with others.  For many of us, self-compassion can feel awkward, difficult, and elusive.  We know self-compassion can be important, but perhaps we somehow don’t feel qualified to support ourselves in this way. On a personal note, learning to have greater self-kindness continues to be part of my own very human transformational journey as I aspire to live more fully and mindfully with greater peace of mind and compassion toward others.

There are six key components to self-compassion (Neff, 2023):

Increasing: (1) self-kindness, (2) common humanity (as humans we make mistakes, feel unease, and suffer with life challenges), (3) mindfulness (empowers us with more balanced awareness and can help us be more present to our moment-by-moment experiences).

Reducing: (1) self-judgement, (2) isolation (feeling that we are the only ones who make mistakes or are less than perfect), (3) over-identification with our difficulties (thinking that our mistakes define who we are and our self-worth).

Importantly, self-compassion goes beyond simply not criticizing ourselves.  More than that, self-compassion involves true caring and concern for ourselves and our experience of distress.  Thus, we might practice sharing kind words with ourselves as we would with a family member or dear friend. For example: “Yes, this is really difficult. How can I be kinder to myself in this moment?” Or gently clasping our hands along with kind words such as “Dear one, yes, this is hard. May I be kind to myself.”

In conclusion, wherever you find yourself on life’s meandering path, it’s never too late to pause, and look within. You might consider what is personally meaningful to you, what you feel called to explore, or where you might serve the greater good.

Thus, as we learn and practice holding ourselves more gently and with kindness those brain pathways will strengthen building habits of greater self-kindness and self-compassion.  To that end, Shapiro reminds us that mindfulness is not simply about attention, rather mindfulness is about “kind attention.” 

It’s never too late to build your self-compassion habits and to practice greater kindness.  If you’d like to learn more about strengthening your self-compassion, here are some resources:

• Neff, K. (2025). Mindful Self-Compassion.  https://self-compassion.org/
• Neff, K. (2025). Self-Compassion Test. https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/
• Shapiro, S. (2017). TED-X talk — The power of mindfulness: What we practice grows stronger. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeblJdB2-Vo
• Shapiro, S. (2022). Good morning, I love you: A guided journal for calm, clarity + joy. Boulder CO: Sounds True.

We all experience suffering, vulnerability, unease, and difficult times in our lives.
We are simply human.

May we gently offer compassion to ourselves and others.I wish you well on the journey.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. No content is a substitute for consulting with a qualified mental health or healthcare professional.

© 2025 Ilene Berns-Zare, LLC, All Rights Reserved

An earlier version of this material was published at

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/flourish-and-thrive/202511/the-transformative-power-of-self-compassion

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References:

• • Lathren, C. R., Rao, S. S., Park, J., & Bluth, K. (2021). Self-compassion and current close interpersonal relationships: A scoping literature review. Mindfulness, 12(5), 1078-1093.
  • Neff, K. (2025). Mindful Self-Compassion.  https://self-compassion.org/
  • Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual review of psychology, 74(1), 193-218.
  • Neff, K. (2025). Self-Compassion Test. https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/
  • Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: William Morrow.
  • Shapiro, S. (2022). Good morning, I love you: A guided journal for calm, clarity + joy. Boulder CO: Sounds True.
  • Shapiro, S. (2020). Good morning, I love you: Mindfulness and self-compassion practices to rewire your brain for calm, clarity, and joy. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
  • Shapiro, S. (2017). TED-X talk — The power of mindfulness: What we practice grows stronger.        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeblJdB2-Vo

  
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